I have my life back at last!! I finished my GCSE exams last Thursday (14th) and now I can relax and resume my social life. I can’t actually believe that I’ve finished my exams now; they didn’t feel like the real thing to be quite honest. I now have about three months of doing nothing before returning to school and starting Sixth Form. Oh how I wish this was true – I have to get myself a job for a start! I am already beginning to have school withdrawal symptoms, how sad is that! My body and mind is still set for school – lesson timetable and waking up at 7:00am. I have already begun to drive Mum mad I think. On Friday I didn’t really know what to do with myself for the day. I supposed to go up to the cemetery to visit Joe but I slept in late so there was no time as Grandad was going to pick me up at 3:30pm to go to his house for the weekend. So I had my breakfast and pottered about for a bit then went on the computer whilst I ate my lunch. I finally got bored of MySpace and no one to talk to on MSN and decided I’d give the computer a break for a while. I was bored. I felt like I should be at school or revising as this is what I have been doing for the past four or five weeks everyday. Mum was doing a bit channel hopping so I sat in the living room with her and chatted to her but I don’t think she appreciated it very much because I kept telling her what lessons I would’ve had today and which lesson I would be in right now :). I just can’t help it! I’ve got school on the brain still… I will however be popping into school until the end of term to cure my boredom. I’m going in to help on the Sports’ Days coming up, Activities Week and to help set up the school hall on the day of our Leavers’ Ball. My R.E teacher is retiring at the end of the school year and I said I’d come in and help her sort out her classroom; filing cabinets and paperwork. No doubt I’ll be offering my services to a few others if they need help. It will keep me occupied and out Mum’s way I suppose. It’s going to be a bit weird just walking into school in my “normal” clothes and being able to walk out again when I feel like it. I’m writing to you today from my Grandad’s computer. Being the wonderful Grandaughter that I am, I decided to grace my Grandparents with my presence until Tuesday. Well I haven’t been over for a good few months and seeing as I’ve got plenty of spare time on my hands now for a while, I might as well! They live in a small village in Bedfordshire. It’s a lovely place, so peaceful and calm compared to the hustle and bustle of Hitchin. Hardly any traffic, quiet neighbours – its bliss! I don’t normally like quiet but it’s nice to be able to lounge about in the garden with my iPod on, pocket Sudoku book in one hand and a glass of wine (only one Mum, don’t worry!) in the other. You’re all probably conjuring up this rather lazy image of me now. Well if you are you are very wrong! I’ve been out for walks everyday since I arrived here. On Saturday, myself, Grandad and Jacob (his dog) went for a walk in the morning in Rowney Warren and today after coming back from his morning walk with Jacob and his next door neighbour, the three of us had a trip to Marston Vale and went for a lovely walk round the Forest Centre. We must’ve done a good two miles or so which is pretty good for me to be quite honest! IF I get up in time tomorrow and Tuesday, I shall be joining Grandad, Jacob and Terry on their morning walk…Since being at my Grandparents’ house, I’ve been thinking. I have decided to embark on a change of lifestyle. I am going to start eating healthier and getting more exercise to keep me fit. Who knows how long this will last but I may as well make the most of it whilst I’m feeling enthusiastic eh! Will keep you posted on how it goes. Bye for now! x

Ah well, this year’s Easter holiday has been pretty boring and not as cheery as it could’ve been but I am pleased with the progress that I have made with myself.   I’ve managed to get out and about and I haven’t had a panic attack since the holidays started, in fact I haven’t had one since before Joe’s funeral which is even better. Joe’s funeral was a big stepping stone for me in more ways than one; I managed to sit in a crowded church for nearly 2 hours without having a panic attack and it was also a chance to finally say goodbye to Joe. Not only am I proud of my recent achievements, my mum is and so is one of my very good friends and they both tell me frequently. It’s nice to know I have the support from those that I love and care for very much, especially two people that truly understand what I have been and am currently still going through.I’ve managed to go out into town without having a panic attack this Easter too. I went to visit Joe at the cemetery on Friday (13^th) with my friends and we were out just about all day. It’s lovely up there, Joe’s grave is full of flowers from visitors and a few are still there from the funeral. People have also been leaving little things that mean something.   

   I brought with me a picture of Joe and myself which I laminated and attached to a ribbon which my mum tied around the tulips she picked from the garden for me to take up there. I decided to tie the ribbon around the wooden cross that is Joe’s grave marker for the moment. I intend to visit Joe regularly, it’s lovely to just sit on his bench and talk to him. I’m sure that when we were up there I could here Joe’s voice as if he were talking to someone in the background.   1 month since you left us sweetie and I still miss you so much! xXx

On Saturday, there was a Sikh procession down my road which myself, mum and our neighbours watched and then in the afternoon I hung out with my neighbour and guess what… I didn’t have a panic attack! It may not seem like anything to get excited about or be proud of but it’s a big deal for me to be able to the “normal” things in life that I used to be able to do before my problems began almost a year ago now. Well that’s my exciting life updated for you, I’m sure you enjoyed reading it immensely lmao!  Bye for now! x 

I have decided to embark on a life of blogging! Life has been somewhat fraught over the past year, especially in recent months and so I decided I’d join my darling mum in the world of blogs… I aim to post regularly and keep you all updated with my oh so exciting life: grin:Choodle